Hello world Im bored
By Colin McLeod Hae Na
Where Am I in Physical prowess? I mean Im In Malmo (south WEST corner), Sweden
So Shantam is studying plants right now for school. plants, flowers and trees. total like 400 something or something. insane fucking. dont read the word fucking if you dont want to read it. ive caused myself so much stress concerning myself with what you (my ego and whomever is reading this, select individuals i know dont like profanity), im sick of it. know i admit it. it was silly. my head hurts all this thinking (i just found out its not 400 more like 4000 holy shit).
so im going to tell you a story, this story is really formyself. but you can now read it. the difference between Sept. 23 (the last blog acid) and before that is before i was writing for you, i was not writing for myself and i wanted to but didnt know it. now im writing for me.
Events of Sept 22 10pm ish To (practically) sept 23 6:10am ish to (really) NOW
walking down the street picking up a pizza with Shantam my swedish friend i met in india (see india blogs for pictures of Shantam) He talked to me about LSD. i didnt want to do it. but since i hadn't done it i didnt REALLY know if i wanted to or not. (this right here is the Statement of being a realized being, which I AM NOW)
so i asked some questions about it got some awnsers and i decided to do it.
I took a shower, because water is an excellent way to clear out energy. then i saged/smudged off the entire house. i had one room enegergized for meditation and the other to chill out in. shantam wanted to meditate with me because he was stressed. so we light a candle. I spent a good 30min clearing off and charging all my crystals because they too put out energy. then i took some of my crystals placed them around me. shantam struck his tibetan bowl and we begain whatever you so meditate.
i sat forawhile, thinking about the LSD, what to i do? do i take it now....
...i picked it up and held this little sqaure of paper on my finger feeling it.
then i put it in my mouth. spent time meditating then decided to stop. so i started "tripping on LSD" i saw some amazing things, engergies were everywhere. my friend david did a test he doesnt know what he was doing but i would look at him, he would "turn it on" (something with the mind) and i could see his energy change, it stopped and just vibrated at a confinded level.
so i tripped. then everyone went to sleep it was early morning. i wanted to go outside, i love sun rises.
Outside i walked from the apartment wearing a lungi and holding a cup of team no shirt. in a city. i enjoyed the beauty blah blah. then i had a thought, to break to cup of tea. "its not my cup i thought" "so what its just a fucking cup" " i dont care" "if they do ill buy them a new fucking cup" so i decided to break it. i opened my hand and watched it fall to the ground and shatter. in that moment i became realized or maybe later, it just kept going faster after that. i immediately felt this weight lift off me. this freedom became in existence with me. i felt as if i walked out of a prision and didnt even know i was in it.
so it escalated, a sensation of joy came over my with thought " i can do whatever i want" so i walked across the street and played with a shopping cart in my lungi. i began to dance with this cart, litterally, i would spin it around my back and catch it with the other hand on the other side. then i ran and jumped off it. and was total in the moment gliding with this cart. I WAS A CHILD. expressing my joy in the way i've always wanted too. i ran back over to the apartment block on the plot of grass and dove into the grass and rolled rolled played and giggled screamed and sang . people were watching me, they wouldnt look at me, some smiled¨, most were so closed and afraid. i didnt care, fuck them i said. i do what i want now. then i walked through the pond (ive had no shoes on the whole time to) i expressed a funny thought to shantam much earlier joking i want to take a bath in that pond) so i decided to fullfill my desire and i walked through it. then i was done, it was sensationally not someting i really care about doing again for the moment.
Then i found a sand box, i bent over began to pick up sand dissing my desire to not get dirty and OMG sand crap. i through it under and over my legs, like i was digging like a dog, the sand flew up and fell down all around me and on me. then i rolled around in the sand, then i had to take a piss, my first thought was to go inside, my second thought, didnt care and didnt want to go inside. so i took a piss right there in sunrise daylight in the middle of the apartment courtyard sand box. the piss was so clear. i picked some of the piss sand up in my hand and felt it. warm and wet. cool. i rubbed it in my hair more and more, feeling my freedom grow and grow, feeling lighter and lighter, it WAS NICE. yeah. Ö
then i stuck my head/hair down into the sand piss and rubbed it around, feeling freed and excited i got bored and moved on, LIKE A CHILD. changed my mind and my interests, i walked back over to where the broken mug cup was and i thought. NAKED. i felt fear. FEAR OF getting arrested, of being looked at, consequences of doing what i want, in that moment i accepted all the consequences of getting naked and rnning through the street as go to jail get kicked out of the country sent back to USA, i accepted those consequences because what i really WANTED was to be naked in the street. so i took off my lunggi started running out to the street, walking at my pace over the street cars stopping as i took over the street.i WAS IN CONTROL, I walked they chose to stop. i crossed begain walking down the ally of the shopping center. i stood in a bush looking at the road, thinking all these cards just see me with no shirt but im naked HEHEHE. i got out of the bush walked across another road. looking at cars and people looking at reactions and expressions. i waLked off the street to some kind of campus. i saw a beautiful statue of women and her child naked. i wanted to TOUCH THE CHILD. I FELT ICKY, shamed and guilty feeling "sexually aroused" wanting to touch this child. i walked up it was a stone statue i said. i went up like an innocent child to this statue child and pressed my hand upon the vaginal region of this statue child, i laughed, like a child and walked away, feeling child like. and i realized, i never wanted to rape or molest a child, i just wanted to be one innocent. people keep telling me of this forbidden fruit. they made this box on children and continued to impose it. so i grew up feeling horrible and denying these thoughts that escalated into molesting a child. I REALIZED IT WAS JUST A FUCKING THOUGHT, and when i acted upon it for the first time in my light admitting the thought that I WANTED TO MOLEST LITTLE GIRLS NAKED STATUÈS AND THEIR MOTHER, that i didnt actually, didnt really want to do it, and really the child in me did, because it has always wanted to and told not to.
so i walked away giggling and feeling wierd like a child, realizing this consciously feeling my desire that i have denied for 19 years dissolve in mere seconds, i walked back over to the child and touched the mother. I TOUCHED MY MOTHERS BOOBS. that may have been my manifest station, once i did it i didnt care anymore, became bored and found something else to do. walked back to the road and stood around. waiting at the red crosswalk to turn green cars driving by. i walkd into the middle of the intersection LEANED against a sign post, raised on a cement block, so i wouldnt be hit. and stood watching cars watch me. i begain to wave at all the cars i wanted to. buss's and trucks and cars in the early morning hours tired and going to work or working..
some smiled, waved back and i responded realy happily with joyous thmubs up or dancing around. most people just closed down, woulnt wave wouldnt look, some car slowed down drasically, out popped a cell phone camera, i started making poses for it. then i walked past it, the car continued then pulled over, the guys jumped out one holding the camera, i said i dont want them, so i decided to change my mind and walk away, completly severe all thought ties, i did and did it totally, then my feeling to walk up to them came back and i said fuck it. i walked over to them as could percieved rather casually. stuck out my hand shook one guys hand, then extended my hand to the guy with the camera, if didnt want to i persisted for a second or two more ten stopped, then my head shook suddenly, the first guy just punched me, i dont really know how hard, there was a bruise later, nor was there any pain, but i wouldnt surprise me if all my energy was working to protect me in that moment. i realized what happened, didnt like the situation i was in, so i turn and walked away, turning back to shake of his energy back at him with my hands, just like flicking my wrists, awhile, they were muttering/yelled in swedish, turned and walked back to the apartment courtyard. felt a little shooken up but i didnt care to attatch to it much so i didnt. i walked back over to the broken mug, picked up the mug waved at this dude sitting on his porch balcony in another builing accross the courtyard who had seen most of my courtyard theatrics (not the sand box different yard) and walked back in side, i was very dirty it felt good.
i just contunied doing what i wanted to do inside, made tea drank, tea had an urge a thought to roll a ciggerette, so i said fuck it , what do i care? rolled one smoked it, went out to the balcony sat on the chairs naked, no one could see me with the solid railing and being on the top floor. shantam came out, woke up sat down, i told him what i did, he was kinda confused didnt realy understand what was going up, then i flipped over the ash tray because i wanted to, he told me he didnt like that, i told him i didnt care, and we begain to what i now call COMMUNICATION, we began to communicate, it ended roughly with me saying i dont care and him walking back inside. i started doing whatever i wanted inside. they were all very confused, i didnt care, i WANTED THEM to tell me what they wanted, so i did what i wanted and did it so well i made them confront me. which is all i wanted, im sick and tired of spending thought energy on what i think people will or wont want. now i live me life doing what i want, if someone somebeing doesnt like it, its their problem, they have a choice to harbour that discontent inside or they have a choice to confront their ego, stand up for what they want, now i test people, respect must be earned, i want to know how badly you want something if its enough you will speak it to the world to me, then i usualy dont want to cause any further disharmony, but if you want it enough to think it but not act, do anything, thats your problem not mine
IM DONE WASTING THOUGHT ENERGY ON OTHER PEOPLE FOR THEIR SAKE. You are a free willed being, you have a choice. USE IT.
So yea thats about it people, freinds, family, readers. I became Enlighted during the lapse of Sept 23 mid night to sunrise. Enlightened, Self realized, conscious, god conscious, aware, i became the watcher. i flipped the switch and it doesnt matter if it is switched back, because now i know the switch is there, and i can CHOOSE to switch it or not, either is fine.
ALL that crap you people listen too. thinking about, those enightened people who start talked osho, jesus, ghandi whom ever YOU FOLLOW, its really just crap. they say nice things, true things good things BUT THAT WONT LEARN YOU ANYTHING. a conception of enlightenment is not enlightment.
enlightenment is simply saying I AM, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT
im going to write a book and have it publised or myself.
its going to be SIMPLE. If you want to be enlightened YOU WOULD BE IT. but You think you do, WHAT YOU DONT know is that truly you dont want to be enlightened...or you would be. You caNT do what you dont want. and you can do what you want, but not if you dont want it.
SO I TELL YOU THIS FROM ONE REALIZED BEING TO ANOTHER:
YOU ARE ENLIGHTENED, YOU DONT WANT TO BE ENLIGHTENED
Accept what you truly want.
to find that out
YOU MUST DO WHAT YOU WANT.
for when you do what you want you find out if you really wanted to do it.
THEN YOU REALIZE YOU CAN SATISFY WANT/DESIRE in different ways. one way is action another is completíng the thought. children do this its called imagination.
GOOD BYE
and by the way i want to return to the states to be in Santa fe around CHRISTMAS WHEN ITS SNOWING SNOWING SNOWING..
I LOVE THE SNOW
FORGOT TO MENTION: i remembered bhudda became enlightened on a full moon as well as born and died on the same full moon of the year. i was curious if it happened to me.
the awnser is no, it was not a full moon. it was though, in fact Autumnal Equinox. WOOT i feel very proud about that one. its a special day for me now. yeah special day woothootooot
So Shantam is studying plants right now for school. plants, flowers and trees. total like 400 something or something. insane fucking. dont read the word fucking if you dont want to read it. ive caused myself so much stress concerning myself with what you (my ego and whomever is reading this, select individuals i know dont like profanity), im sick of it. know i admit it. it was silly. my head hurts all this thinking (i just found out its not 400 more like 4000 holy shit).
so im going to tell you a story, this story is really formyself. but you can now read it. the difference between Sept. 23 (the last blog acid) and before that is before i was writing for you, i was not writing for myself and i wanted to but didnt know it. now im writing for me.
Events of Sept 22 10pm ish To (practically) sept 23 6:10am ish to (really) NOW
walking down the street picking up a pizza with Shantam my swedish friend i met in india (see india blogs for pictures of Shantam) He talked to me about LSD. i didnt want to do it. but since i hadn't done it i didnt REALLY know if i wanted to or not. (this right here is the Statement of being a realized being, which I AM NOW)
so i asked some questions about it got some awnsers and i decided to do it.
I took a shower, because water is an excellent way to clear out energy. then i saged/smudged off the entire house. i had one room enegergized for meditation and the other to chill out in. shantam wanted to meditate with me because he was stressed. so we light a candle. I spent a good 30min clearing off and charging all my crystals because they too put out energy. then i took some of my crystals placed them around me. shantam struck his tibetan bowl and we begain whatever you so meditate.
i sat forawhile, thinking about the LSD, what to i do? do i take it now....
...i picked it up and held this little sqaure of paper on my finger feeling it.
then i put it in my mouth. spent time meditating then decided to stop. so i started "tripping on LSD" i saw some amazing things, engergies were everywhere. my friend david did a test he doesnt know what he was doing but i would look at him, he would "turn it on" (something with the mind) and i could see his energy change, it stopped and just vibrated at a confinded level.
so i tripped. then everyone went to sleep it was early morning. i wanted to go outside, i love sun rises.
Outside i walked from the apartment wearing a lungi and holding a cup of team no shirt. in a city. i enjoyed the beauty blah blah. then i had a thought, to break to cup of tea. "its not my cup i thought" "so what its just a fucking cup" " i dont care" "if they do ill buy them a new fucking cup" so i decided to break it. i opened my hand and watched it fall to the ground and shatter. in that moment i became realized or maybe later, it just kept going faster after that. i immediately felt this weight lift off me. this freedom became in existence with me. i felt as if i walked out of a prision and didnt even know i was in it.
so it escalated, a sensation of joy came over my with thought " i can do whatever i want" so i walked across the street and played with a shopping cart in my lungi. i began to dance with this cart, litterally, i would spin it around my back and catch it with the other hand on the other side. then i ran and jumped off it. and was total in the moment gliding with this cart. I WAS A CHILD. expressing my joy in the way i've always wanted too. i ran back over to the apartment block on the plot of grass and dove into the grass and rolled rolled played and giggled screamed and sang . people were watching me, they wouldnt look at me, some smiled¨, most were so closed and afraid. i didnt care, fuck them i said. i do what i want now. then i walked through the pond (ive had no shoes on the whole time to) i expressed a funny thought to shantam much earlier joking i want to take a bath in that pond) so i decided to fullfill my desire and i walked through it. then i was done, it was sensationally not someting i really care about doing again for the moment.
Then i found a sand box, i bent over began to pick up sand dissing my desire to not get dirty and OMG sand crap. i through it under and over my legs, like i was digging like a dog, the sand flew up and fell down all around me and on me. then i rolled around in the sand, then i had to take a piss, my first thought was to go inside, my second thought, didnt care and didnt want to go inside. so i took a piss right there in sunrise daylight in the middle of the apartment courtyard sand box. the piss was so clear. i picked some of the piss sand up in my hand and felt it. warm and wet. cool. i rubbed it in my hair more and more, feeling my freedom grow and grow, feeling lighter and lighter, it WAS NICE. yeah. Ö
then i stuck my head/hair down into the sand piss and rubbed it around, feeling freed and excited i got bored and moved on, LIKE A CHILD. changed my mind and my interests, i walked back over to where the broken mug cup was and i thought. NAKED. i felt fear. FEAR OF getting arrested, of being looked at, consequences of doing what i want, in that moment i accepted all the consequences of getting naked and rnning through the street as go to jail get kicked out of the country sent back to USA, i accepted those consequences because what i really WANTED was to be naked in the street. so i took off my lunggi started running out to the street, walking at my pace over the street cars stopping as i took over the street.i WAS IN CONTROL, I walked they chose to stop. i crossed begain walking down the ally of the shopping center. i stood in a bush looking at the road, thinking all these cards just see me with no shirt but im naked HEHEHE. i got out of the bush walked across another road. looking at cars and people looking at reactions and expressions. i waLked off the street to some kind of campus. i saw a beautiful statue of women and her child naked. i wanted to TOUCH THE CHILD. I FELT ICKY, shamed and guilty feeling "sexually aroused" wanting to touch this child. i walked up it was a stone statue i said. i went up like an innocent child to this statue child and pressed my hand upon the vaginal region of this statue child, i laughed, like a child and walked away, feeling child like. and i realized, i never wanted to rape or molest a child, i just wanted to be one innocent. people keep telling me of this forbidden fruit. they made this box on children and continued to impose it. so i grew up feeling horrible and denying these thoughts that escalated into molesting a child. I REALIZED IT WAS JUST A FUCKING THOUGHT, and when i acted upon it for the first time in my light admitting the thought that I WANTED TO MOLEST LITTLE GIRLS NAKED STATUÈS AND THEIR MOTHER, that i didnt actually, didnt really want to do it, and really the child in me did, because it has always wanted to and told not to.
so i walked away giggling and feeling wierd like a child, realizing this consciously feeling my desire that i have denied for 19 years dissolve in mere seconds, i walked back over to the child and touched the mother. I TOUCHED MY MOTHERS BOOBS. that may have been my manifest station, once i did it i didnt care anymore, became bored and found something else to do. walked back to the road and stood around. waiting at the red crosswalk to turn green cars driving by. i walkd into the middle of the intersection LEANED against a sign post, raised on a cement block, so i wouldnt be hit. and stood watching cars watch me. i begain to wave at all the cars i wanted to. buss's and trucks and cars in the early morning hours tired and going to work or working..
some smiled, waved back and i responded realy happily with joyous thmubs up or dancing around. most people just closed down, woulnt wave wouldnt look, some car slowed down drasically, out popped a cell phone camera, i started making poses for it. then i walked past it, the car continued then pulled over, the guys jumped out one holding the camera, i said i dont want them, so i decided to change my mind and walk away, completly severe all thought ties, i did and did it totally, then my feeling to walk up to them came back and i said fuck it. i walked over to them as could percieved rather casually. stuck out my hand shook one guys hand, then extended my hand to the guy with the camera, if didnt want to i persisted for a second or two more ten stopped, then my head shook suddenly, the first guy just punched me, i dont really know how hard, there was a bruise later, nor was there any pain, but i wouldnt surprise me if all my energy was working to protect me in that moment. i realized what happened, didnt like the situation i was in, so i turn and walked away, turning back to shake of his energy back at him with my hands, just like flicking my wrists, awhile, they were muttering/yelled in swedish, turned and walked back to the apartment courtyard. felt a little shooken up but i didnt care to attatch to it much so i didnt. i walked back over to the broken mug, picked up the mug waved at this dude sitting on his porch balcony in another builing accross the courtyard who had seen most of my courtyard theatrics (not the sand box different yard) and walked back in side, i was very dirty it felt good.
i just contunied doing what i wanted to do inside, made tea drank, tea had an urge a thought to roll a ciggerette, so i said fuck it , what do i care? rolled one smoked it, went out to the balcony sat on the chairs naked, no one could see me with the solid railing and being on the top floor. shantam came out, woke up sat down, i told him what i did, he was kinda confused didnt realy understand what was going up, then i flipped over the ash tray because i wanted to, he told me he didnt like that, i told him i didnt care, and we begain to what i now call COMMUNICATION, we began to communicate, it ended roughly with me saying i dont care and him walking back inside. i started doing whatever i wanted inside. they were all very confused, i didnt care, i WANTED THEM to tell me what they wanted, so i did what i wanted and did it so well i made them confront me. which is all i wanted, im sick and tired of spending thought energy on what i think people will or wont want. now i live me life doing what i want, if someone somebeing doesnt like it, its their problem, they have a choice to harbour that discontent inside or they have a choice to confront their ego, stand up for what they want, now i test people, respect must be earned, i want to know how badly you want something if its enough you will speak it to the world to me, then i usualy dont want to cause any further disharmony, but if you want it enough to think it but not act, do anything, thats your problem not mine
IM DONE WASTING THOUGHT ENERGY ON OTHER PEOPLE FOR THEIR SAKE. You are a free willed being, you have a choice. USE IT.
So yea thats about it people, freinds, family, readers. I became Enlighted during the lapse of Sept 23 mid night to sunrise. Enlightened, Self realized, conscious, god conscious, aware, i became the watcher. i flipped the switch and it doesnt matter if it is switched back, because now i know the switch is there, and i can CHOOSE to switch it or not, either is fine.
ALL that crap you people listen too. thinking about, those enightened people who start talked osho, jesus, ghandi whom ever YOU FOLLOW, its really just crap. they say nice things, true things good things BUT THAT WONT LEARN YOU ANYTHING. a conception of enlightenment is not enlightment.
enlightenment is simply saying I AM, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT
im going to write a book and have it publised or myself.
its going to be SIMPLE. If you want to be enlightened YOU WOULD BE IT. but You think you do, WHAT YOU DONT know is that truly you dont want to be enlightened...or you would be. You caNT do what you dont want. and you can do what you want, but not if you dont want it.
SO I TELL YOU THIS FROM ONE REALIZED BEING TO ANOTHER:
YOU ARE ENLIGHTENED, YOU DONT WANT TO BE ENLIGHTENED
Accept what you truly want.
to find that out
YOU MUST DO WHAT YOU WANT.
for when you do what you want you find out if you really wanted to do it.
THEN YOU REALIZE YOU CAN SATISFY WANT/DESIRE in different ways. one way is action another is completíng the thought. children do this its called imagination.
GOOD BYE
and by the way i want to return to the states to be in Santa fe around CHRISTMAS WHEN ITS SNOWING SNOWING SNOWING..
I LOVE THE SNOW
FORGOT TO MENTION: i remembered bhudda became enlightened on a full moon as well as born and died on the same full moon of the year. i was curious if it happened to me.
the awnser is no, it was not a full moon. it was though, in fact Autumnal Equinox. WOOT i feel very proud about that one. its a special day for me now. yeah special day woothootooot
posted by Colin McLeod Hae Na at 9/25/2006 08:55:00 PM
1 comments
