Who AM I? HOW DO I FIND...

Location of Da' Sex Palace? Watford, England


i want to move up, and the world just wants to pull me down.
(whether this is fact or not, this is what i see, what i feel)
what do i do?

Let go.

A friend said I AM walking a dangerous line.

She said not to disconnect from people.

She said not to seperate myself from everything.

I told her i Trust myself.

Dont we let go, in faith that, we will return.

Must i let go of people completly, in order to return TOTALLY?

is this dilusion or being?

She said I AM missing compassion.

I do not deny this, i accept this.

afterwards:

I was struck with my fear.

what am i doing?

all these new actions. all these people I AM, AM I?, hurting.

they wont tell me I AM Wrong, But i feel their(??) resistencem, i feel them. Pulling me down.

What AM i Doing?

The difference to Be and To DO.

A book i read, had a powerful statement:

"hitler went to heaven, when you understand this you will understand god."

The Way I AM Living, Being. creates no conflict with this statement.

The Way I AM Living, Being: Creates Conflict with every religion, person, soceity, morality, I have ever know, experience and felt.

Am I The conflict Or are you? Is it society which conflicts with me, or me with society?

Is it Societies Conflict, and I am Attatching to it, Accepting it?

So jesus and the great beings in our worlds knowledge held up the weight of the world.
I Want to Let go of it. I AM Letting go of it.

I know one thing: I can under stand (Stand under) the weight of myself. I Can hold up my own weight.
This is What I AM Doing. I Must Hold up myself Tottally, eternally, before I Am to hold up the weight of the world.

I must drop the mug with no worry, no concern of what may happen to it. before I Am to pick it back up.

I let Go of the Mug. The Mug broke! Remember? and when i was ready (when i was NOW) I picked it back up?

I picked up something different. It was no longer a Mug.

Did the Mug break, or did I break It? Does it matter?

My way of being. I will keep dropping the Mug. I may or may not Always pick it up again.

But eventually and NOW quicker than ever before i will drop it and catch it before it breaks --> before it falls --> i wont drop it.

But i Must drop it first.

To all those I have hurt, and to all those i will hurt. whether it be I hurt you, or you Hurt by me, matters not.

I give you one garauntee, In those moments I Am not hurting, i will be loving.

I will be loving TOTALLY.
I WILL BE HURTING TOTTALY.

It may be 90 moments of hurting and 10 moments of Loving.

But the quantity will not matter to me anymore. they will be equal in my eye.

i will be TOTAL. and i will be equal, will be Balance. and Harmony once i reach the sea.

I AM DROPPING ALL RULES, ALL REGULATIONS, ALL BOXES, LINES and PRISONS for the mind for me.

I AM UNCONDITIONAL.

AND I AM CREATING NEW RULES--NEW WAYS OF BEING every moment.

AND I WILL LIVE BY THESE, and i WILL change these...EVERY MOMENT.

I AM Letting go of everything society has shoved down my throaght, of everything i have accepted is society.

AND I AM LEARNING IT ALL AGAIN.

I will Learn what I AM, WHO I AM.

And i will start by doing WHAT I WANT! Becoming what I AM.

I have not done it totally before. and thus i never learned before. i only conditioned learning.

Now i will do it, Tottally. If it is done tottally it needs only to be done once, to realize, to experience.

If it is done tottaly, you may not even have to Drop the Mug. For i will have been TOTAL in my thought about it.

Now will change into Now New into New (er).

With our without your help. with or without me.

I will Change with it. THIS IS WHAT I WANT.

I may have to leave society, leave men, to let go of myself, to express myself unconditionally without attracting other peoples anger, dis-approval.

I want to be Naked. Once i decide I REALLY WANT THIS. i will Leave you to do it. because you are all fuckholes who prohibit me from my joys.

And I AM a fuckhole.

I dont wanto fuck you.

I dont want to let you fuck me. and because my methods are being refined. I may fuck you first.

And i will do it Totaly. and you will not understand. because you would have never fucked me tottaly.

I dont care if you are scared. I AM scared too.

I will be(accept, totality) Scared until I AM scared no more.

and I will be Scared with you OR without you. i will not change for you.

I will leave and learn by myself if i must.

But i want to learn withyou. IT IS SO MUCH EASIER TO LEARN WITH YOU.

I am done trying to learn to be with you. I am with you or i am not.

It is or it is not.

I would love to be with you totally. i will learn much faster.

Ultimatly i know what i need to do to learn. I AM.

it is not controlling MY mind, for my mind has been controlling me.

And there will be a time when i have TOTAL control of my mind. BUT THAT IS NOT NOW.

NOW I HAVE TOTAL AWARENESS OF MYSELF (of everything it may be..i know not)

SO NOW I WILL WATCH MYSELF TOTALLY, UNTIL I KNOW MYSELF TOTTALY, Until i experience myself TOTTALY

Then i will have mastery over the mind. Then i can control it.

Move in and out of Existence, Out of Harmony. and i will begin simply to move.

Moving seamlessly, Harmoniously. i will Move without having to leave. without having to drop the mug.

for i know dropping the mug creates conflict. but i have not yet experienced that conflict.

I WANT I NEED TO EXPERIENCE THIS CONFLICT SO I CAN MOVE PAST IT. TOTALLY

THAT MEANS FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL. I WILL MOVE PAST IT NOW AND NOW WILL BE FOR EVER ETERNAL INFINITE.

HELLO GOODBYE

GOOD BYE HELLO

EXISTENCE EXISTS

I Will drop the mug
I WILL break the mug (or let the mug break, whichever way YOU want to see it)
I will pickup the mug Or not
I will dance with the mug
I will become THE MUG
I AM THE MUG...But i must drop it first.


Thank you and God Help me.
Thank you God. Thank you.
Be Home soon.