The Scuffles of Enlightenment

Location of Da' Sex Palace? Osho Circle School.


something interesting. its very hard, deciding to live the way you want to be. choosing to live to be yourself, and feel the wieght of the world, of society, of friends and families press down upon you. it makes you want to doubt what your doing, who your being. it makes you cry.

its very hard to have a life and be with other people. its even harder to be with other people when they wont tell you what they want.

and its interesting to reflect on these things. the way i see it, which means so little. i am being asked not to be me, yet being told not to change me. its interesting to notice that they way i am being, leaves me with lesser to no worry, guilt, shame. and what they are telling of me, to not be, would place me back in the mind set i had weeks ago and my whole life previous, a life of worry, of guilt of shame: did i hurt their feelings? am i pissing them off? should i stop singing, then as i would find out, i would attatch, i would feel guilty for not stopping sooner, for pissing them off so much, that it was all really my fault. and if they never said anything (they were never upset or bothered by me) i would have spent so much energy so much stress on the thoughts that question what i was doing over and over and over again until it was over. what was i left with. pain, misery, un happiness. all that worry became so strong, piled up so much that i couldnt enjoy being me, i didnt know how to live, to be alive to be happy. the worst was the thought "you could solve all this by just asking them" and i would worry even more about that. i would begin to worry about worry. i wont i ask them, why are you so cowardly, so shy, thats so stupid that you cant be honest with them. which accomplished no self denial, accomplished me being me and telling me i was bad for it.

and i become stuck questioning it all, going over it over and over. this is what i used to do my whole life, hours upon hours days upon days years... until, i realized (those past couple weeks sept 23, that the mind can never solve this question. the awnser: "i dont know" is honest and true. that is the minds awnser(, and it can circle around the same facts and come up with the same awnser, though it hopes to find something new, sometimes it does, but so much stress was caused.) and the mind hates not knowing, even more it hates admiting it doesnt know.it doesnt know and never will until? until i act, until i make a choice and find out through experience (not hypothesis or conjucture, or debate, or logics, or conception etc).

and know i acccept that its okay not to know, that its so SO SO NORMAL ive accepted i have to be to find out. that i cant live in my head asking questions. and do you know what i find. i find now i am happy, but the people i have relations with are not (maybe not all of them, and some have been healed greatly because they accepted this as me) happy, they are discontented and irritated by me. and i look at this and i look at my past, other people were happy, and i was not (or were they even happy?) i know other people werent as irritated by me.

so this is what i see:
Now: I Am happy, they are not. I am being me, being, experiencing.
Before: i wasnt happy (sometimes yes but not nearly as much), i wasnt honest with myself, i was being but trying to not be. they are being them, whether they were happy probly not cus they were probly doing the same thing i was questioning spending so much energy on debating in ones head to tell this guy hes bothering me, or he took me seat and doesnt realize. should i say or not?

but now im forcing people to speak, to come out of that shell of the mind, and they dont like it. i am being told to stop because we dont want to tell you what we want, that we dont like what your doing. i am being told to spare people this trouble.

and im trying to find a solution, how to spare people this trouble without sparing me, without ceaseing to be me and do what i want. the obvious awnser is to be me to what i want somewhere else. (which makes sense, one person wants to cry the other wants to run around they prolly be better off in differnt rooms)

so do i leave this place this osho commune in italy, because they cant deal with me, and they refuse to tell me what they want me to deal. they will tell me they dont like what i am doing but tell me when i ask them: "no, i am not asking you to change."


this really reminds me of ann rand (eer spelling) author of the fountain head "fountain head" the situation reminds me of the "dependents" the "non thinkers" who critize the other group for being them, but refuse to force them to change, refuse to say it, just keep critizing and by woo by breaking them down have them change theirselves to become like them.

specifcially the court room scene in atlas shrugged, where hank rearden is being asked to give his steel to the government, they keep asking and asking, trying everyway through non force, non will non commitence, and he keeps saying "NO" and then he says if you want my steel, my product you will have to forcibly take it, cease it steal it, because i wont give it to you. and the court room people gasp, the judge says mr rearden no no no we wouldnt never do that, we dont want that, he says this recoiling from fear. and later they black mail him to give the government his steel. they threaten to leak information about a women hes in love with, an affair, and he gives them what they want because he doesnt want i hurt her. and so HE "willingly" gives his steel.

interesting,

well we shall see what happens. ps im gonna post this letter on my blog. its that good! :)