Supposing The Release of Turkish Invaders

What's better than having your colon caffeinated?
Having a 24 year old beautiful Thai nurse do it for you!

If this titillates your being in any manner, shape or form please read on.

It was a long haul down the dusty roads of Chang Mai, escaping this devils paradise was like ridding a 8foot bunny rabbit through a thunderstorm of wildcats and dogs. those rabbits are expensive for my tastes, and though my haggling skills are either bad or these rabbits don't haggle, i managed to secure my escape in luxury of cold air and western? music. yes, yes, yes. it wasn't long before i wonder what could have possible possessed this driver to illuminate his beautiful shabby van with TV's and western music. The awnser : Money. --well that's another story for not this blog...there's a few like that. From now on Blog writer, mediator, and censor, Colin McLeod will hereby dub any stories/paragraphs/sentences/words, experiences, philosophies, ideologies, theologies, ideas, sounds, pictures, feelings, expressively but not limited to, not fit for all general audiences with DRAAPLE!

Down the road again...I arrived at my unknown to me auspicious destination, with its palm trees, swimming pools, golf carts, porters, welcomers', fan fare, grass and MY--as ADVERTISED-- welcome tea.
(It was good welcome tea too!)

They sat me down holding my hand the entire way through the arduous and scary process of passports and paperwork. when that was done i met the golf cart and the porter. he was a good porter, so responsible in the art of carrying my luggage, which i resisted at first, fearing to break his small Thai back with my monstrous bag of goods for my back and my unaccustomness to people carrying my LIFE on THEIR backs for services which i did not expressively communicate for.

After arriving in my 3 Star Fan room, eyeing the porter suspiciously for causes u--DRAPPLE-he left, i immediately begin my search n' snoop n' discover 'n goodies for which I've paid*.
Here is what i Found:

• 6 flavors of teas as follows
  
• 6 Petite oranges that could have passed through somebodies colon...whole. Though they were tasty.
  
• Two bottles of packaged purified non-ozonized, non reverse-osmosisized water.
  
• One pitcher of water (Not SEALED).
  
• Two Glasses for drinking Nam daintily wrapped in some type of foreign tissue paper.
  
• One Electric Tea Pot.
  
• Two Beds, each fit with one Neck pillow, decorative pillow (green and violet), and sleeping pillow.
  
• One Balcony over looking some grass, then a moat, then lined to above the sky with trees which thus protected my eyes from more green grass and fields in far away places.
  
• A shower Curtain.
  
• One Personal size (Wash's 5-6 showers uses) bar of Jasmine soap, used at my discretion for washing the body, and one personal size bar of Rosemary soap, used soley the clensing of my hands.
  
• Two personal size plastic bottles of shampoo fragrance X and two personal size plastic bottles of...something.
  
• 6 Q-Tips
  
• 2 Shower Caps.
  

For the shower caps, Q-Tips, Shampoo's, Somethings and teas were all confiscated by Myself, Colin McLeod upon departure 3 days, 2 nights later.

Then 'DRAPPLE'S of the 10th Degree' (Note levels of the Drapple are permitted, because: to produce aesthetically or superficial suspense not acquired through matters of rectitude, meaning purely promiscuous--or is it precarious?..yes it is, the latter.) My spidy sense began tingling: Intrusions are imminent....moments latter...A knock at the door. Door Answered. AHHAA! INTRUDERS...with a ladder, okay i let him in, he was backed by the master of the house of my room, he proceeded to the bathroom and was in and out for the next 3 days/two nights.

...Time elapses...during the production of this DRAPPLE. (Sorry the author was zipping up his fly, how embarrassing. ALL REPEAT!)

So i found myself, or navigated by primal senses to the food arena, cave men would have gawked in perturbation's at the sights, smells and tastes discovered. They were all (to quote a cool 40yr old guy i met from Hawaii) "funky". though this funky is meant to not imply any sort of negative use..think along the lines of exotically sprawled out from all corners of 'Martha Stewart's eating right in the Caribbean' mashed with the inventors of Wheat Grass and Sarsaparilla. Shelves of teas i had never heard of in my life divided into 4 categories: morning, lunch, tea time and dinner, all with labels (like everything else) stating good for digestion, prevents aid--eer cancer, reduces bloating, promotes sleep, refreshes the mind, enlivens the soul, reinvigorates your energy. The food had similar labels except all accompanied by Good for Blood type A, AB and O and stuck to the physical side of health, immunities to cancer, cleans colon, liver and what else. i had a particularly good time reading the labels, they taught me so much about being health conscious. They always had some juices with weird names like 'munry' or 'lacer' some tasted strong like acid others more acrid either way i did enjoy the variety..i bursted when i saw the carrot juice and went bananas (not over the traditional varied meals that actually concerned and contained bananas-- the 101 different ways to eat them, fried cooked, steamed, poached, in coconut sauce and yada yada.) when my eyes rested upon the salad bar...some good SALADS!.

Now your wondering where am i, and why am i not wearing a loin cloth right? I was at The 'Tao Garden' run by some famous Thai guy with lots of books....blah blah blah. Actually he was really nice, he welcomed me and sat down and chatted with me for a few minutes, which in his position not many care to do. The Tao garden a place for Healing of the Body mind and soul. align the chakras find the CHI, eat healthy have new age treatments and that whole goose spiel. This is all (Note the previous *) courtesy of my father, who found, mentioned and paid for this 3 day/two night adventure in health.

Enough. to the juice. Brown, Smelly, and watered down. (Nam means water in Thai)


The Treatments

Thai Massage $15Colonic $45
Far infrared komeda $25
Detox Massage $35
Ozone/Oxygen Therapy $25
Testicle Massage $35
Aura Reading $25

Hmmm...who's expressing extroverted or intro a slightly or drastically elevated hmmm? good for you. and do you know what that means? since it strikes you in some way, emotions good or bad, you should probably, given the opportunity do it too, because it would be GOOD for you (Dee means good in Thai).

But now that i've really massaged your attention your stuck to this medium for further information and explanation, which i promise all will be explicated.

But for Now (sequential order):
Thai Massage: a good massage very thorough and relaxing.

Colonic. remember the opener? well i had my colonic (-ic) cleaned out with Water, Coffee and some soap thing. This was quite the experience. felt weird, but maintained A++ Sanitary conditions. Imagine, those nurse fantasies males have, cute nurse, wears a skirt 'n nurse uniform. yea well this was her, and 24 yr old, that nurse from American pie (2 i think) that Stiffler had in the sperm clinic, yea well imagine her a Thai women, same vibe in the face--that naughty vibe, just faintly...this was a very non-sexual event. the other women like 42 was massaging my abdomen the whole time and kept speaking lusciously in Thai to the 24yr old about me. which she sometimes translated. Meh, it was all friendly. but me and the 24yr old were chatting away the whole time and laughing and almost flirting....if there wasn't a tube up my ass yea flirting would be positively described. Though i did ask, I failed in receiving her Telephone number.
Afterward they provided me a 6 set meal of liquids to digest...Papaya, Wheat Grass, Apple Vinegar with Honey and some other stuff i couldn't recognize.

The infrared was like a Sauna, i was in a sauna enclosure but it was heated by special infrared rods that emit healthy waves like the sun does (but without the bad) onto my sweat dripping body...yea it was Hot, but not that hot. Archie you would have loved it. also the next.

Detox Massage: another brave adventure (but not, with the testie massage in the ring still to come)
I was massaged by another BEAUTIFUL THAI WOMEN how old? 24. i began to wonder about this young age thing, i later met a the blood doctor who was 26 or 8 a male..they like producing youngins in the field. cool. so she massaged by body with oil. yea it was nice, felt good, and detoxed my body--I'm sure it helped. she also hit me with these weird sticks at the end. they make the blood flow, i believe.

Ozone was like sauna except my body was in a sauna box with my head sticking out and that had like a mask (normally for breathing) that i placed around my body (with ozone/oxygen coming out) all the while a Thai women massaged my head gave me water through a straw and had COLD COLD water and cloth to moisten my face in. all of these were alot of fun, i usually just talked with the Thai women and as a result my knowledge of the Thai language as doubled in those two days.

Okay were here I'm sorry you had to wait so so so so so so so so long.
The


TESTICLE MASSAGE

well if there was a massage that had conspicuous effects and there was because, it was this one. HOLY SHIIIZA. yes it was a little weird at first. but after awhile it was completely normal, we began chatting away and having conversations, and i learned how to saw you are beautiful in thai ' Kun Su-Ouuie (hard to pronounce, much more write) Mak Ma'. though at one point she started saying there were people outside waiting to barge in and see my naked penis. then she said we charge two baht to let those people in. i kept telling her 100 baht...then she kept saying she gets to look at me for free, she was bad and older...which in this instance was a very good thing. So a little on the process of the testicle massage. well for starters it was PAINFUL. HOLY SHIIZA like there's no way you could become aroused with that amount of pain being shooting from your tesites up inside your belly, that feeling men know intimately if they have been kicked in the balls, though not nearly this bad but just imagine 20 min of that pain if you squeeze them in the write place men and feel it shoot, imagine it for 20. she actually started massaging my abdomen, which hurt too. at one point and throughout the whole time but not as bad, i began spontaneously to laugh hysterically. like a real hearty laugh, a good one. JUST LAUGHTER, PURE BLISS. this had a couple causes. one it was because she was massaging and i believe it released some blocks in me, causing immense laughter. and because I thought how ridiculous is this...a women massaging my testicles and it hurts. an intense mix of pain and laughter. i was laughing and screaming (not blood curtling or anything, but...yeah) after it was over, i came downstairs and became spontaeously happy- blissful josh shelvin style. i booked it making funny noises and started running around the resort.

Came back and had my aura reading done. wow like im a beliver these things are incredible accurate. just amazing what they can get from scanning all your finger tips. maps out the whole body and gives information on every organ. shows all this great stuff. like the aura, alignment of the chakras and yea. like my Heart and Earth (1st, sex) chakra are totally on key, well slightly off but damn near perfectly aligned. the others need some good healthy work and excercise. it said my tonsils were freaking out (which for me, was used to verify the accuracy of this, because i know my tonsils are unhappy) my liver is a little off...we dont know why, i honestly dont suspect alcohol, my binges are very rare, like that blog write was a once in thailand for being drunk. beers here and there. it also said my adrenal glands were over working. usually meaning im stressed, this one was kinda a mystery, though i can feel stress sometimes and do, i didnt feel it that big a deal, though i have been freaking out over some silly and stupid things, minorly. my colon, but that was cleaned. and yeah.

well i also had a blood cell peek. where they drew blood(id like to find a scanner and post the pics) and viewed it under a high powered eer scope...i forgot the word opposite telescope, aah microscope. yea. it was really cool, my blood looks drastically healthier after just two days.

then i came back to Chang Mai, and I'm now deciding when I'm going to get my wisdom (all four) teeth removed in Thailand for $400.

For a piece of peace, please email me and ill give you the directions to get the whole thing, starting with you may have to perform self mutilation rituals disguised as myself, Colin McLeod, The Author of 'Sex: The Ways of the Force Colliding with money, status and Other Things to Horrible to Mention', outside some actress's house who HATES KITTENS and then mail me my $4 to: APlace, N, ChangMai, marked with a postal stamp from Vermont or Guam. oh and if Michael Jackson asks you to ride his "Big John's Caboose" or eat his "Home Made Apple Pies" Ask for the $4 first, receive it, with giving no collateral, wearing 5 pairs of boxers/under/shorts and pants (one being Velcro, HE HATES VELCRO (spelling?), and Run to the Safe House.

Peace and Love,
Colin The Brave